Matinee is a teeny bar in the Rubber City. We were informed that The Bitter Tears would be the only band playing that night. Rubber! Everyone here says that instead of "cool" or "rad" or "there's nothing to do."
It's a bar where people go to hang out with each other Cheers-style. But when we took the stage in our stunning costumes, nobody knew our name. Alan referred to Akron as a shithole to attract some attention but it didn't faze them. It's like the town is a nerd that has heard all the jabs and humiliations already and you can't do anything to hurt it anymore.
Eventually they warmed up to us during "Moline," and one guy even bought us shots. It was totally rubber! We bonded about our horrible mayors, and for a moment they were glad we came. John acquired new bulbs for Alan's horrible light-stick and during the a cappella portion of "Grieving" it blew a fuse at The Matinee.
After the show a hayseed guy told me I had something on my face. I told him I had been working in a coal mine like Devo. Y'know, D-E-V-O from O-H-I-O? No? The gift shots ended up being wicked joke shots of water and grenadine. Then the DJ started blaring Zep records with big skips on them. It was time to go.
Someone recommended an Italian restaurant that was open til 4am, so we found a pizza dive that was open until 3. We kicked some video game ass while the pies cooked. Then things got stupid.
A heavy-lidded woman appeared from nowhere and started sticking to Alan, caressing his face.
"Who did this to you?!"
I raised my hand, and then she stuck to me. She had a commanding grip on my date-arm and for a moment we held hands, causing me to drop my pizza in the parking lot.
We tried to make a cordial escape but she climbed on top of me in the van. We all declined blow jobs and as I started the van, a wallet fell out of the woman. It was Alan's. And it was missing money. Not very rubber.
We questioned her about the missing money but all she seemed to want to talk about was blow jobs. Not rubber, Akron. Not rubber.
We retreated to a motel and fell asleep to the sweet growls of a Bon Scott AC/DC concert that was on TV.
The Bitter Tears have decided to boycott the use of rubber for the remainder of this tour. We are walking to Cleveland tomorrow. In wing tips.
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